?? Posted at 9:48am January 06, 2009

“Why is everyone using a blog to post garbage about their desperate littlelives?? Just keep your 50 challenges to yourself.”

Stephen of Quakers Hill Posted at 9:07am January 02, 2009

“Wow. What a hero. Having a beer with a homeless person. This “challenge” speaks volumes about this persons vacuous and meaningless life.”

a of australia Posted at 7:15am January 02, 2009

“bloody hippie needs to tell everyone of her stupidity”

How amusing. I find it amusing anyhow.

So my question is… do you agree? I am sure a lot of people reading this are actually bloggers themselves. So once again, the question i put back to “a”, “Stephen” and “??”…..

Why the hell are you reading this?

Anyway, thanks for reading and your comments whether positive or negative are always welcome here!

Fact – it is the size of a 10 cent piece 

Fact – it can play music REALLY loud into my ears

Fact – it is now an obsolete model and has been upgraded to a sleeker, more impressive version.

So it this state of not knowing what to listen to next – i impulsively support my boyfriends decision to finally connect to foxtel (pay tv). We had been thinking about it for a while, however once exposed to a weekend of Music Max and Channel V – i succumbed to the temptation and got connected – now i can listen to new and retro music on the tv at any time of day… some of you may be thinking… well what about radio – it is for free… why don’t you just listen to the radio? Well to be honest, we don’t even have a radio in the house, perhaps the alarm clock can tune into a station.

Alternative – play music on tv through surround system while viewing ultra cool video clips

Alternative – borrow CD’s off friends

Alternative – go through my itunes archive and pull up some mystery songs from my past

The above three alternatives have all rejuvenated my ears over the last week as i have been exposed to pop, rock and old 80′s and 90′s classics. I can’t get enough… i have ventured into fox8 a couple of times to watch America’s Next Top Model and listen to Tyra’s annoying voice, but it is the music channels which i keep coming back to. Sure, there are ads – but it is ALL good. They are advertising such exciting new products such as a Scream ring tone – YAY.

90′s at 9 are currently blessing my ears – we have had Britney, Savage Garden, Matchbox 20 and No Doubt – oh the memories. The funny thing is, is that these are all the video clips i watched as a kid when growing up and watching video hits or rage on a Saturday / Sunday morning. How ironic… back to where it all began. 

Lets hope the ears are now satisfied. Now i can get some sleep.

Will tidy the house and finish the washing instead. 

Take 2 tomorrow. 

Perhaps then i will have something new to spread.

I actually decided about 2 weeks ago that i would start writing a novel. I have the idea and am just in the process of collecting information. Though for some reason, as soon as i had made this decisive decision to go forward with a life long dream, my information sources dried up and i am now left with nothing. No idea where to start, or end. 

I think one cure for this, may be the idea of getting into the habit of writing on my blog once a day as that seemed to get the creative juices flowing in my head and forced me to think of something. Each and every day of the 31 days of December i wrote about something new on my blog, and this is actually how i came up with my life changing challenge activity for January where i randomly selected a challenge from a list to complete each day. I sill check out the site i created for this every so often and it amazes me that i still have new people finding the site and having a look through the pages – it inspires me to complete something like this again – but it is a fear of not knowing where to start. It is also the fear of knowing how that month made me feel and i am not sure if i could ever willingly put myself through that again. I may need to adjust the actual concept slightly to see what i can come up with.

Anyhow, 304 words and counting. This is the most of have written in weeks. Perhaps it is because i have been so involved in work lately and all my creative ideas have been able to be explored at the office. I have no avenue left for extra-curricular creativity. I have been completing some sewing exercises of late and adjusting my dress sense… i guess everything just comes in phases and unfortunately i am not going through a writing / photographing / idea generation phase. I will see how this pans out by the end of the month and then decide on what indeed to do next.

One measure i have taken is to limit my tv series watching, i feel as if all my ideas get sucked out and into a make believe world i am watching on tv which is indeed not reality. Though one benefit of been watching different series and movies of late, it has actually pushed me down different avenues to explore which i was never interested in before, i think that is why the sewing, accessory making and purchasing of (finally some) new clothes has been occuring – Thanks Gossip Girl! I know that seems like such a lame connection, a teenage drama inspiring me to make changes, but as a friend said – for some reason it just grabs you in and almost has a bit of a hypnotizing effect upon the individual. Soon we will all be out there flaunting our designer brands and wearing cute little headbands and scarves. 

I guess i am also subconsciously a little bit down as i will shortly be moving apartments. I have to admit, not to be too arrogant but i do live in the best place in Sydney. I will never be able to live in such a vibrant and authentic European atmosphere again – life is a constant holiday and a constant reminder of the amazing world out there. The view, the music, the aromatic smell of garlic bread and pasta – i really have it all. If only i entertained a lot more while i lived here – oh well… this time is nearly over. No more long stares off the balcony watching all the people buzzing around below. I have less than 8 weeks left at this property. I am sure our next apartment will be on a more quieter street – very quiet and lonely and quiet. You know what, i like noise. I like atmosphere – it makes me feel a part of something without having to actually be involved. 

So begins another day – while i am on the streak of writing over 700 words, i am going to get my camera out while the sun is still shining and take some lovely shots of my new Moroccan tea pot and fake pearls – another activity i have been procrastinating over for some time. Well Cheerio… and hopefully you will be hearing from me a lot more frequently in the coming weeks.

For a non-tv watcher this is quite an incredible feat.

I have been watching an old favorite TV program on DVD. Unfortunately having countless numbers of shows on DVD allows for compulsive viewing. For the last three nights i have made myself somewhat comfortable in front of the TV from about 6pm and have just let the brain switch off and the comatose state set in. I start to get fiddly, then snacking as i wander through the kitchen again and again knowing that there is nothing for me to eat. I resolve to go back to the couch and i start to break into a sweat and just promise one more, one more episode. One more disc, one more season. 16 hours later… and it has all finished. Psychologically, the stars of the show have become my friends as lately i have been spending more time with them than my own boyfriend who has been working this whole long weekend. Oh well, the show is over now… no more? Until another show steps up to take its place. 

OR perhaps i could listen to the finale’s core message – get up and do something… get to know yourself… just do it…

How ironic that this message may indeed be the one that inspires me even though i was in the same slumped state as the character on the program, just stuck in a rut. Do i need to create issues to make my life more exciting, or should i just ensure i get off my bum occasionally and do something different. That is indeed my life mantra, however it seems to have slipped a little of late.

Perhaps it is the sadness of a pending move of home. Perhaps it is the realization that i actually have to work damn hard to be good at a new hobby. Perhaps it is knowing that i could so easily settle for nothingness and that I (ME) actually have to act to stop it. Perhaps it is me… Perhaps it is you… Whatever it is, I hope it is just the long weekend blues as i am back to work tomorrow and have to be alive for whatever gets thrown my way. I will wander in and out of the day searching for that hook which will grab me and propel me through the next few weeks. 

Otherwise it will be back to the couch for another old TV series marathon. 

Hmm… perhaps i will save the long term commitment of another television series for the time being and focus on another important task at hand… my life!

What next?

What will tomorrow bring… who knows?

The clouds are brewing… memories and reminiscing growing… paranoia building as i move my head to see an odd flicker of a reflection in the mirror. Who is there?

No one.

The beeper on the microwave goes off as my takeaway from last night is done. I poke my finger in to ensure it is ready – oww… hot… turn on the TV, watch a couple of episodes then it is dark. Time to sleep. Eyes slightly bloodshot from perhaps too much viewing or too much vodka. mmm… vodka with raspberries, my favourite. What a way to relax and sepnd an evening, escape the norm and do something else.

Then the journey begins as my eyelids grow tired and shut closed. The movie now starts rolling. Interruptions occur throughout, slightly awake – however as soon as the eyelids are sealed again the movie is taken off pause and continues down the track to awakeness. So life like… i hope i am not talking out loud. 

I tend to drift in and out of situations that i have never experienced… moments i have never shared with anyone… where does it come from? Is it purely my imagination working away at the cogs in my head or alternatively are these memories from my sleep life / past life / future life?

Who really knows?

I guess now i will just be…

And just wait and see what happens next…

one by one

things are getting done.

First it all began when i was a university student and use to attend classes during the day, while working at a restaurant at night. If i wanted to go to the movies… i went. Whatever day, whatever time, whatever film… by myself. 

Next, there were a couple of interstate holidays… tennis tickets were involved. I booked the flights, accommodation, series tickets and went… by myself. Made friends with the old couple i sat next to each day of the tournament.

Throw in a couple of musicals at $100 a pop, a basketball grand final and you have an all-rounder attendee of events as an individual. No “plus one”. No random small talk with somebody who doesn’t really want to be there… just me and the ability to observe those around me.

I have noticed that others also go to the movies by themselves and sometimes, we all congregate in a similar area however respecting the personal space and tranquility of the other people that no words need to pass out of mutual respect. 

I have noticed that the demographic of those who attend musicals are above middle aged couples and the elderly (perhaps retired couples) who have usually attended at least three of the major musical releases each year. 

I have noticed that the female part of a heterosexual couple does not really want to attend a basketball grand final match, however, they will come along out of appreciation for the partner… though these girls do not make good ball chat and may not even be aware of what the names of the players are and what is indeed good or bad play.

I have noticed that tennis fans are extremely opinionated about which players they do and don’t like and are happy to base these opinions on the most bizarre random occurrences and talk about this at the end of each point during the match. 

As a single admission i am happy for the person sitting next to me to acknowledge me and say hello. General chit chat is permitted and depending on how i feel will determine how much or little i chat back to the occupier of the seat next to me.  However there often seems to be an unspoken code and respect of one’s privacy that i can say with all honesty i am yet to sit next to a really annoying individual who badgers me completely throughout the match / show etc. 

My question to you is… Why wait? why wait or spend time convincing someone else to join you… just do it… whatever it is… because you can.

For some reason, i automatically gain a mutual respect for an individual who is empowered to do similar things as i have mentioned above. It shows a sense of freedom, a sense of self and undefined confidence. Some may describe it as loneliness, desperation, lame – these people are the sheep of society who do not really know themselves and are so defined by the social norms and expectations of society that they will go through their lives never really taking that chance and being on the edge just for one moment… on the edge… with only you to catch yourself. 

TRY THIS: A friend of mine, actually happened to go to the movies by herself a year or so ago to see a film that had just come out. Her boyfriend wasn’t interested in going, so she went by herself (as you do)… oh yeah, by the way – it was Valentines Day. So couples galore at the cinema. but hay – who cares? Could you do it? I went to the movies on a Saturday night once alone where the cinema was filled with couples, it is the most exhilarating feeling. I always wonder though if anyone notices. Does anyone comment to their friends wondering why this person is alone… laughing… giggling… i notice others… but perhaps because these others are so self absorbed they do not have time to notice their surroundings. oh well.

Anyhow, the fact of the matter is that I have a boyfriend, i have family, i have friends. Yet quite often the moments i get the most satisfaction from and crave for are the adventures i go alone and just whatever it is i actually do. 

Perhaps you should try it.

It is only recently that it has been drawn to my attention, as our office will be moving over the next couple of months. This will mean that about half the office will now be traveling approximately 45 minutes more in their car through the peak hour streets of Sydney. This had resulted in numerous individuals reconsidering their preferences for driving and possibly considering the switch to public transport. 

Then to add further drama, someone has suggested the idea of subsidising the motorway toll which now will need to be used to get to the office as an incentive to ensure the majority of employees make the switch to the new office. It is only now that i realize what an absurd idea this is… for me, i feel as if it is the completely wrong message which should be sent out. Lets encourage more people onto our roads and create congestion and car fumes into the environment (said sarcastically) or alternatively we could catch public transport and read a book, let your mind wander from idea to idea, relax and then enjoy a nice stroll from the train station – don’t these people know what is good for them!

Anyhow, this draws me to my main point… ME. i am a public transport catcher and have been for some time. Since year 10 at school, at about the age of 15 i began catching the train home from school which was about an hour journey and involved changing trains along the way. There were often school children to chat to on the train, or else it was just me and my thoughts. Then once i began university, i lived far west of the city which is approximately an hour to hour and a half drive to the city. So i would get on the train each day and make my way into the city for lectures. I would not have survived university without the train as it gave me 2 hours (one hour there, and one hour back) to read my really fat textbooks. For me, i made the most of my time of sitting doing nothing – to read and highlight uni notes so i did not have to complete this when i got home. 

As i moved out of home and began working full time i used both trains and buses for transportation at all times of the day and night. In the three locations i have lived so far, i have felt more than comfortable finding my way home past midnight on public transportation and then making the lonely walk in the darkness from the bus stop or train station to my apartment. It just works and it makes sense. I have never yet felt unsafe doing this. I sometimes get slightly paranoid in my head, and may pick up the walking pace – but i have never been in a dangerous situation during this walk as yet (and hope never to be). 

However, my Mum and Dad are drivers, my sister is a driver, my brother does not drive – but either commutes by train to work or taxi if going home late at night, my boyfriend is a driver (i am trying to educate him on the ways of public transportation). As i was walking along Oxford Street last night as i had just finished watching a movie at the French Film Festival, i could have caught a bus down to the Station – but i thought it was not far, so I just walked merrily down the footpath, observing all that was going on. I eventually got on the second bus i needed to catch from the main street and made my way home. Yes, it did take about an hour from the moment the movie finished to the moment i got home – to me that is nothing however, that is life. I would prefer this any day over the drive straight there and back as i would have missed out on the atmosphere and observation of what happens along this path from 8:45pm to 9:00pm at night.

So, finally this made me wonder. Does anyone know this is my life? I do this every day, walk to and from the train station, catch buses home late at night after tennis classes, walk around the city streets feeling safe and comfortable. Would my parents, sister, brother or boyfriend understand what it is like for me? I fear they do not. Not only this group of people, but others question the reliability, safety and convenience of public transport. People at the office always would offer me a life to the station, i would always decline – they always had such a fear and misunderstanding of the walk from work to the station – i have now done this for 2 years and have NEVER been approached by anyone on this walk. Yes, it is dark, yes, it is a wide open space, but yes it is only a 15 minute walk and you just do it. Don’t think about it. 

I remember once i was meeting an old friend who lives on the north side of Sydney at St Leonards which is about perhaps a 30 minute drive out of peak hour. However, for me to get there i caught a bus and train and then walked to her apartment, it probably took me over an hour – what seems like such a long time for a visit is indeed time i would have otherwise have spent reading, thinking, pondering anyway. I can completely shut off from all my surroundings while traveling on the train / bus and just be. I would not be able to do this if i driven (also the obvious fact of drinking and driving).

The worst part as a public transport catcher or walker is that “drivers” feel sorry for you. Friends feel obliged to other lifts and drop you off somewhere. My “driver” friends feel as if i can’t get to things early or late because of the disability i have regarding transportation. Yes, it does effect my ability to drive an hour to visit my parents whenever i want, but we work around this. I ensure my “driver” boyfriend is with me when we go or i catch the train straight out there after work. It all just seems to work without any hassles. 

I can drive. However, I just choose not to. I choose public transport. I choose it because i like it. I would not have it any other way. I would not go for a job that i could not reach by public transport and i would not live in an area that did not have public transport.

The only thing i like better than public transport is walking. So perhaps when my office finally does move, i will throw in the public transport card and opt for the 5km walk every morning and night to take in a whole different side of things… lets just wait and see.

Is it somebody who completes amazing paintings, writes beautiful songs or takes inspirational photos?

I am just a person. Day in, day out… living each day as it comes hoping that something new and exciting (or perhaps a moment) will pass my way to give me some excitement for the day. Perhaps i have learnt to live, as often i am the creator of these so called moments which gives me a buzz while i continue on with the daily routine of work, sleep, eat.

Sometimes, i feel like i am more than just a person… as i have such a varied interest in a number of areas that it is hard for some to keep up. I feel every part of my life is manageable and every so often i like to mix it up and switch writing for painting or  baking for sewing… i now have way too many hobbies to keep track of – but i love each and every single one of them. 

I would not consider myself an artist as i do not rate myself in any league close to an artists piece of work. However, one single moment has made me rethink this philosophy…

I was walking around the city last Saturday afternoon and happened to walk down into a department stores food hall… this is not any normal food hall – think a combination of the exclusivity of Harrods in London versus the variety at the Times Warner Centre in New York. I wandered through the areas of confectionary, the deli, noodle bar and then the standard grocery aisles of exclusive brands, as i veered around the corner – i came across the patisserie. I had walked through here once before and was determined to come back and buy a lemon tart like the one i had enjoyed so much while sitting in a park overlooking the Eiffel Tower. As i was waiting at the counter drooling over the lovely freshly baked goods, the shop assistant asked if i was being served, after i made my choice, the shop assistant then turned around and asked me “Are you an Artist?” What an odd question indeed. This woman has not seen any of my work, but purely by the look of me she was classifying me as an artist – how odd indeed! I said no, and then just made some general chit chat.

So, what makes somebody look like an artist? Did she know that after i went home this afternoon i would be sitting on my lounge room floor using my oil paints to hopefully complete my greatest painting to date… well no, she didn’t, as i didn’t even realize myself at that time that i would be doing that later on today. So, I was wearing black pin strip tight knee length shorts, a tight fitting batman emblem t-shirt, a red with white poker dots belt  and yellow beads around my neck… obviously this must be the outfit of the artist. Perhaps i did look slightly more Newtown than most days. My hair was short yet flowing with no product and perhaps it was just my complete feeling of relaxation as i then ventured to sit in the park, enjoy my tart and the remainder of the afternoon. 

As i thought about this question for the remainder of the day, i realised that perhaps, after all – i should of answered yes. I might not have my work showing at a local exhibition. But i do in fact have have the following:

• my paintings showing at my house, my brothers apartment and my parents house. 
• I wear jewelry i have made, and my sister also wears my home made jewelry
• I wear home made broaches and badges 
• my black and white photography work is hanging on the wall at home, my digital work is located on Flickr
• I have made fancy iced Christmas cakes for the last 5 years and given to friends and family
• I have countless scrap books documenting my most important adventures
• I will soon be wearing my own clothes which i have created
• I write on this very blog which is somewhat of an artform. 

My works of art, are all around my life and my family. However it is not until i stop and think about it and then realize how much it has become a part of every day life. More so than work or sleep or eating. The art is with me at every moment of the day. It is in my mind and allows me to view the world from a slightly different angle as i contemplate how i can create something from anything so very simply. 

Well hay, i am proud to state that i am an Artist. I do not get monetary compensation for my work, but i do get the personal satisfaction of someone loving my work and being proud to hang it in their house, show their friends and treasure it  for as long as possible. 

Who knows, perhaps the road to becoming a professional artist is not too far around the corner…

Change in weather? Yes… but probably not responsible.

Aches, pains, tiredness beyond belief.

Will i make it home in one piece?

WAKE UP! It is 4:50pm…

Train arrives in 30 minutes. Walk fast and hard, and drift between work and the station. Sit for 15 minutes and then levitate home.

Switch, flick, sit and relax.

2 hours pass. 3 episodes later. I know what will happen next, but must keep watching one more… one more. Until… BAM… i am asleep.